Would Ayn Rand Tip?

I’ve been reading Atlas Shrugged right on the heels of finishing The Fountainhead, which is an amazing book that really reaffirmed a lot of things I think I always thought about life but didn’t know it. (if that makes sense) And being so shaken by it I quickly picked up Atlas Shrugged, well slowly; its a pretty hefty book rounding out at about 1400 pages. However I’m not as impressed with it as I was with the Fountainhead. Atlas is much more about politics then it is about philosophy. Of course politics is a form of philosophy, but it isn’t the same and I think it cheapens whatever was so powerful about The Fountainhead. But that’s a tangent I don’t want to go on, mostly because I’ve still got about 300 pages left to read and I don’t want to condemn the book just yet. But I do have some thoughts after burning a thousand pages so far.

Would Ayn Rand tip? I thought about this the other day as I wrote down a small tip on my credit card receipt and thought briefly about what it meant. Rand stresses the notion that it is important to never give anything. Everything must be exchanged for compensation. And yes, a tip is in gratitude for service, but isn’t the waitress getting a pay check? I’m not paying her directly for her service, that’s what the business does. And some say that it is expected for you to tip because the waitress doesn’t make enough money to live on her check alone. But why is that my responsibility. I’m already paying the owner money for the food and service why do I need to give this waitress anymore?

Now before I look like a dick I want to say, I do tip. I think its important because waiters and waitresses do get paid shit for the most part and rely on their tips for a lot of things. Which is sad, because its almost got to the point some places where waitresses literally don’t make minimum wage and instead get a tip share that makes up the rest; putting the burden of half of their check on us. But even in a perfect world its right to tip and that is exactly my point which leads me to my main issue with Ayn Rand’s philosophy on this level.

Last night I spent an amazing evening with some friends, two I have known for years and two that I had just met that evening. We went to the new people’s house and I experienced some of the best hospitality I have ever experienced. They made us food, showed us their art, listened to things that mattered to us (and where actually interested) and played a game of cards with us. I left with such an amazing feeling, that I haven’t felt in a long time. And it struck me that whatever is at the heart of that feeling is what Rand is missing. We could live in a society where everything is exchanged for value and perhaps things would proceed more smoothly, however I think there is value in giving. There is selfishness in selflessness. And one step further, there is no such thing as selflessness.

Rand seems to advocate a cold world where the only human interaction is the exchange of money (and lots and lots of sex, which no one seems to pay for ironically). Sure she talks about other forms of value, often in cryptic passages that probably lead to her books being mammoth. But she makes no bones about the fact that their must be an exchange and paints those who don’t engage in that as “looters” or “second raters”. Well I will argue that she is wrong based on the fact that we can’t help being selfish. If someone is looting from you or not fulfilling their potential its because thats what they want to do, maybe not consciously and maybe at the manipulation of someone else but there is a choice that has to be made there and they are doing the choosing.

So, we’ve selfishly decided that its right to tip, and that its right to give food to your company because we are exchanging something of value, good company. And perhaps that’s what Rand’s trying to say but I feel like it gets clouded by the hard economic stance she takes in Atlas.

Again, I haven’t read Atlas Shrugged all the way through yet, so there is a good chance she’ll still surprise me, I’ll let you know.

Q: How Do You Get Liberal States To Turn Republican?

A: George W Bush.

This article is very intriguing, and I will be researching more when I get the chance.

The Potential Man (cross post)

This was origionlly posted at The Strange Case my other Blog that focuses on the nature of belief.

A couple of weeks ago Nathan and I had lunch at Small Bar on Division. It was a warm Sunday afternoon and we met for a fellowship. The purpose was not to discuss religion or God, but being that this was the first time we had seen each other since the start of this blog it was an inevitable topic.

I don’t remember the specifics of a lot of our conversation because most of it was a slow dance down to the point of contention in our belief systems. I believe it sprang from a discussion about Nathan’s post on science and my response. Which was more or less defining the aims of science verses the aims of religion. And it is my flaw to unfairly associate belief in a higher power (God) with religion. I don’t know if I see it as a flaw though, because in my point of view the two are inseparable, a veritable chicken and the egg. But other’s will tell you, Nathan perhaps, that they can be taken apart. And that point of contention eventually lead us down an interesting path, at least from my point of view.

As you do when talking abstract philosophy you tend to walk on stilts that look ridiculous to anyone not in the conversation so I hope that by diving into this you can follow.

We where talking about what the idea of God does for humankind. And I’m going to obviously rely on my impressions and ideas mostly because I honestly can’t remember much of Nathan’s. Sorry buddy but I’m more important to me then you are. Anyway, he can fill in the gaps in the comments. Okay, enough wasted time here I go.

In my opinion the purpose of God (one of perhaps, I have a lot longer to live so this list might grow) is to provide an example of good for humans to live up to. An almighty Father, both vengeful and just who practices unconditional love but simultaneously holds a hard line for the rules is the general picture of God I was taught to believe in. Of course this is the “character of God”, as Nathan calls it and not the God of the Bible, which in that case this description is sugar coated, and can be contradicted by actually reading the Bible, but then again that’s by opinion. So the character of God is the perfect example we should all strive for.

And I agree, depending on your definition of the character of God. I was telling Nathan, as I’ve told other people, and alluded to in previous comments, that I can have a conversation with a believer such as Nathan and understand their concepts as long as I view the word god as the power within me that allows me to experience the character of god. (Note the lower case) And that is a lot of reasons why this blog exist. I recognize similar feelings and experience without God that many ascribe to God. Thus leading me to think there is something else at work there.

And that’s where my head was as I sat over a pizza that that stupid ignorant Christian Nathan so kindly bought and shared with me in a time when I was broke and hungry. And it made me think, what is it that I am living for? I’ve long given up on the idea of a meaning to life, but should I rethink that?

The meaning of life is a term that expects and answer from an outside point of view I think. It almost demands a deity to hand us a card as in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, and read the answer like a talk show host would. I would argue it is the desire to transfer responsibility that springs this way of thinking. But science and reason has told us that every experience is derived from the mind, so why not the meaning of life? So it dawned on me that the meaning of life is for us to choose. That’s why there can be no one answer, and why the giant computer in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy chose 42. Isn’t it just like a machine to chose a number? And on that note, the question is probably up to us as well, but I’ll let the philosophical implications of that go for now.

But moving even beyond that we talked further about God as the ultimate good example. And the crux of our difference in opinion was exposed. See Nathan accepts that a Father God created us and watches us with love and awe. And we as his children are to be like him and to serve him. In a nutshell anyway, sorry if the mushy language mucks it up. And I believe that that ultimate good example is our own potential as individuals and as a species. I argued that by having the examples of history we can project our potential into the future and thus live our present lives to bring about the best possible version of that. Nathan however argues that it is necessary to have a separate God and thus a solid definition of good, and as a result evil. But I would go further and say that our definition of good has never been solid. In fact if you take the Ten Commandments I’m sure you can find examples in cultures around the world where each one is consider the antonym of the stated law in the Bible. (Wouldn’t that be a fun challenge?)

And even if it can be shown to be universally accepted as wrong to covet your neighbors donkey it still doesn’t diminish the fact that morality is created by community. How many times have we seen small groups commit strange acts that seem perfectly normal to them?

Now in theory the idea of an unfixed good is a good idea (is it? Ha!). But this goes back to the basics, no evidence for a God has been shown. I, and others like me, cannot rely on lack of evidence. But can a Christian really even claim an unfixed God? Hasn’t the morality of God changed over time? Even by rejecting the dogma of religion and forming your own individual view of God aren’t you shifting the morality of God? The same God that the majority would claim to this day was sending all homosexuals to hell? It is very clear that the morality of God is changing with our times. That’s why women can wear pants!

So overall, my point is the potential of humankind being our beacon in the distance. And at various times in history the ship we have sailed towards the beacon is the ship of God and religion. But as we get closer to the point in the distance we need to realize that that ship is ours and the point of light is not the kingdom of God, but our own kingdom here on Earth.

Did you follow that analogy? Well I want to say it again anyway. I think it can be shown that everyone strives for the potential of humankind even if they claim that they are striving to be like God. The harm comes in when people sacrifice what’s best for a fictional God over what’s best for humankind. It leads to stagnation and back peddling. The power of the mind to create, explore, love and express ideas is not the product of God but the product of our minds.

Okay, I’m going to stop being preachy, but I can’t help getting excited about my own personal potential and how it contributes to our race. And conversely getting frustrated by snags along the way.

So let me know what you think. Do you agree? Am I way off base? Am I standing on stilts still? Is this just a form of humanist dogma? I don’t know, let me know.

Hrm?

I haven’t had much chance to check into this whole thing so far, but why is it that America (or anyone else, seemingly) isn’t intervening in Myanmar? Is it just a followup to the complete void that is Darfur aid, that Bush will gleefully attack who he always wanted to attack before he was even president, but when a situation arises in which it probably WOULD be prudent to do at least SOMETHING, he washes his hands before they even get dirty?

This is partly sarcastic, but partly honestly me wanting some information. I don’t even know where to begin to research this.

Stanley’s Day

Not to overload you with videos, but here’s another movie I did some time ago called Stanely’s Day.

Stanley is an average guy. He has an average apartment and an average girlfriend. But just like all of us have sometimes Stanley’s having a bad day. How can it get any worse? How about a dead hooker in your bathtub.

Director’s Note:

This is a film I did years ago, the story is a bit tired I think, but overall I’m happy with this film. I want to thank everyone who helped me with this all those years ago when I didn’t really know what I was doing, but then again if it weren’t for films like this I wouldn’t be where I am today. Sorry it took so long, but I hope you can all still enjoy it!

Dirty Cricket Presents

Stanley’s Day

A Jeph Porter film

Shot by Andrew Johner

Staring
Dane Lewandowski – Stanley
Leah Arnold – Alexis
Molly O’Conner – Hooker
Aaron Baker – The Landlord
Jeph Porter – driver

Original Music – Bob Besser and Matt Aufrecht

Thanks to
Matt Webb and Rachelle Diggs

The Oldest Bottle

see it much bigger over at Stage6

Dirty Cricket Presents

A Jeph Porter Film

Staring
Andy Gwyn – Frank
Elliott Fredland – Sam
Jim Volkober – Booby
Frank Platis – Dean
Steven Montague – Brent

Producer by Jamison Acker
Director of Photography Andy Patch
Edited by Alison Swank
Original Music – Derek Porter

O Jesus

How could this be any more funny?This is how:

This year, “Perverts Without Morals” chose to deliberately mock Jesus Christ, Christians and The Last Supper, by depicting half naked homosexuals, leather men and women as the 12 Apostles, and display sex toys in place of the bread and wine.

A bloody fist can be seen in front of the central figure portraying Jesus Christ, possibly representing the vile sex act of “fisting” – where one’s fist is fully inserted into another individual’s anal cavity. (emphasis added)

Christ, I love how they have to describe it in detail. I’m sure the author probably knows about these things because he has to do a particular amount of “research” working for the Christian Wire. Just like Pete Townsend was “researching” child porn for a book.

O wait, this may be just as funny.

More stuff to read!

Skeptic’s Circle # 70 There are some good pieces in this one. Check out Greta Christina’s drunk blogging about seeing Jesus on drugs and Skeptico’s rant on alternative medicine.

The first of my older essays.

I will be posting some old essays here. Many of them I wrote back when I was doing old MLA style so there are two spaces after the periods and shit like that. That’s what happens when you learn to type on an IBM. Thanks a shit ton public school. I wrote this one back in late 2000. If you’ve already read this then do it again. I was copletetely serious about this stuff and all things contained in this essay were well researched and based on fact. I have since lost the references page, but none of this is bullshit… I promise.

Why Things Cannot Be Solved

I figure I got a solution on how to get rid of all the homeless people in America. By my estimation, half of the homeless people in the US are drunken low lives who do not really have the right to live. The other half of this countries homeless population is just people down on their luck. People that got laid off from their job because the CEO of their company decided he wanted a new flashy sports or luxury car and decided laying off a couple hundred workers all across the US would be a quick way to raise the money. So, what do we do about this problem? We set one day aside to give every homeless person in this country of the drunken variety a bottle of heavy booze. Vodka, Everclear, Scotch, it really doesn’t matter what kind. We monitor them and make them drink the entire bottle in one sitting. Hopefully they are woozy, passed out, or maybe even if they and we are lucky, dead. Why would they being dead be luck you may ask? It is because phase two of this plan is to cook them and to force-feed them to the other half of the homeless population. Now we would have half the homeless population we did and they would be all without hunger for two to three days straight. Some skeptics out there might be questioning if this plan would really work. One major hole in my plan people might say is that you could only do it once. Not true is what I say. Ask yourselves this question. If you were forced to eat another human being don’t you think you might develop a drinking problem? I know I might. Therefore, this sets up a cycle. The next year we take all the homeless who have developed a drinking problem from having to eat another human being last year and do the same thing we did to the original drunks the previous year. Follow me on that one?

This plan would work out perfectly except for one problem, the guy who owns the Salvation Army. Many people do not know that there is a sole owner of the Salvation Army. The answer is that if there were homeless people around were no longer around the Salvation Army could not still exist. People just wouldn’t believe there was a purpose for it. The purpose of the Salvation Army is to help the homeless, right? Wrong! The vast majority of the American population thinks that it is a non-profit organization. This is not true!

Do you know the money you drop into buckets around Christmas time? The same ones held by Santas ringing bells that are outside of grocery stores. All the money that is put in to that bucket goes straight to the owner of the Salvation Army. He gets 99% of every penny, nickel, dime, etc. that goes into those buckets. The other 1% goes to the “homeless”. Who are these so-called homeless people who get this 1%? They are workers of the Salvation Army who is fired because they weren’t Santa enough for the owner’s taste. They receive a check from the Salvation Army, which is part of the 1% a year before being fired from the company. People on the inside of this company call the owner of the company the President. Common name for an owner I guess. It has a double meaning though. He is the commander in chief of an army, the Salvation Army. His right hand man is called The General. I think he is like the head of a notorious Polish crime family. Anyway, this guys job is to execute anyone who may do anything that might mean the destruction of the company, i. e. me if I ever put my perfect plan into getting rid of the homeless into effect.

It kind of makes you sick just to think about it doesn’t it? I would really like to stick it to a company like that. Maybe rent a Santa Claus suit, get myself a bell, and stand outside a grocery store around December 25. I would make myself a small profit. I doubt the owner of the company would care enough to send The General after me though. The cops would come after me probably though. Not because I am impersonating a legit charitable organization, but because they’re in on it too. They know what’s going on. They need to protect the Salvation Army because it is a large corporation. That’s what America is all about anymore, is big business.

Do you honestly think they will not let women and other minorities into certain parts of, or even into to begin with, the military because of safety concerns? That just isn’t the case. The reason is your biggest money-spending consumer that buys products from mainstream corporations is a white, upper-middle class male. If you let women or such minorities do certain things when it concerns the military a white, upper-middle class male will start feeling insecure about himself. This will lead him to either one of two paths. One scenario is that he will get depressed because of his insecurity and not perform as well at his job. This results in him getting fired. Because of this, he will not have as much money to spend, and that is not a good thing for the corporations. The other scenario is the that he gets angry, gives this country the middle finger, and leaves it for, let’s say, Japan. Now over in Japan it only takes five American cents to make a pair of Nike’s and it probably only costs one American dollar to buy those shoes over there. Nike is out of $99 because the government says its okay for a woman to participate in combat when a war happens even though it is peacetime now. (Well, it was peacetime when I wrote this so don’t go getting all offended if there is a war happening when you read this.) That is why things such as world peace or an end to hunger cannot be achieved. It’s just not good for business.

Heavyweight Champion of the Dorks!

Okay, so while I enjoy such things as role playing games, comic books, and other such things I have no where near the proficiency or knowledge of those things to be called an Über geek. So, besides my chronic virginity and still living at the house I grew up with what makes me think I am a bigger dork than most people in the country. I participate in a hobby know as e-wrestling or fantasy wrestling.

It is not like fantasy football where you pick real people that you expect to win. Oh no, you create your own wrestler or character. My character is a superhero type based off a They Might Be Giants song named Particle Man. He is very small. His large sidekick/manager is Universe Man. He is a huge, hairy fellow who dresses in a bondage mask and leather speedo. After you create your character and get accepted to a “federation” or “company” you compete in matches. The way you win matches is by writing role plays or promotional interviews saying how you are better than your opponent and expounding on your characters background or current story or angle he is involved in. To the average professional wrestling fan that I have talked to this hobby sounds asinine and pointless. Of course, the average wrestling fan seems to think reading or writing in your spare time is both asinine and pointless. To the non-fan I can only imagine how ridiculous they think this hobby is. I mean think about it for a second. You are pretending to be someone that is pretending to fight. There are several rules to writing these role plays. One is not to use your opponent in the role play without their permission. Then “owner” of the “company” that you “wrestle” in decides who wins the matches based on your interviews. After he chooses who wins then he writes a wrestling match and posts it on his website.

Prizes for winning matches, besides bragging rights, are title belts. Not real titles mind you, but just the agreement with your peers that you are a champion in the “company” that you belong to. I have won multiple tag belts, a few secondary singles titles, and held the main title for one “company” I was with. Not one of them has meant a shit to me. There are people who are bigger dorks than me. People who think this shit actually matters. People like the player, a person I had just become aware of mind you, who told me he was an “e-wrestling” legend. I have heard of cases where fucking marriages end over e-wrestling. Honest to Christ, if you participate in e-wrestling and are lucky enough to have someone who will have sex with you just quit. To a lesser extent there is a lot of lying, backstabbing, and other underhanded behavior going on this hobby on many players quest to be the best. I find this quest to be ridiculous at best. There is a difference between the best Monopoly player in the world and the best fantasy wrestling in the world. Normal people will actually give a shit if you’re good at Monopoly.

I was quite proud of myself when I pretty much stopped participating in this hobby before the age of nineteen and before age twenty I thought I had quit permanently. Then cut to earlier this year. I finally caved in and accepted that I was living with my mother. You have to understand she’s not home but two days of the week and I only pay for utilities, so it’s a pretty sweet deal. I mean, I’m not going to get an apartment unless it’s in a different city than the one I am currently living in. That’s how I keep on justifying it anyway. Add the adjective spineless to modify the word dork, because that’s indeed what I am.

Before I even started paying for the internet, because I was leaching off of someone else’s connection, my online friends from my past started slowly coaxing me back into the fake, fake sport of fantasy wrestling. I have committed to continue this hobby to the end of December. I sort of enjoy doing this as it forces me to write, but no matter how victories I rack up between now and Christmas I will still feel like a loser.

Now, here is a supplemental extra to the essay above. I have many wrestling promotional interview (promo) including one with a Satanic Easter bunny with a giant Chocolate Jesus. My last promo I was preparing to face off against a tag team called the Sex Symbols. Don’t be surprised when you are confused. Just try to enjoy the non-wrestling related dick jokes. Here is the last wrestling promo I wrote:

(The scene star wipes in. Particle Man is sitting his chair and Universe Man is sitting on his couch. Both are watching apparently watching Tex Avery cartoons as evidenced by the slapsticky sounds coming from the TV. The get a knock on the door and Particle Man leaps up. It is the familiar BACW cameraman, but this time he is accompanied by a young male production assistant. The PA holds a DVD in his hand. Particle Man looks at his disheartened face and sees several mushroom shaped welts and bruises covering the young man’s visage.)

Particle Man: Moses on the mountain! You don’t look so good there young man. What happened to you?

PA: Well, I was walking home from O’Mickey’s Irish Pub the other night. I had only drank a couple of beers—

Particle Man: Meaning two or meaning ten?

PA: I only had two pints I swear. Anyway, I was walking back to my loft and they surrounded me. A few days later they sent me this DVD in the mail. I showed it to the offices of BACW and a few of the wrestlers, but they just laughed and called me names. You’re my last resort Particle Man. I didn’t want to bother you, but I think I need a hero to protect me.

Particle Man: You say they attacked you. Who are they? Was is it the Sex Symbols?

PA: I don’t think it was the Sex Symbols. It was a group of five guys. They were all average sized guys wearing brown and flesh covered robes with cowls that covered there face. They assaulted me with the most absurd weapons, but there were enough of them to do quite a job on me. Look on the marks they left on my face. To tell you the truth I thought I had dreamed the whole thing even with the bruises on my face, but then they sent the video.

Particle Man: What was this absurd weapon or weapons they attacked you with citizen?

PA: Well, they circled me and beat the crap out of me with dildos.

Particle Man: What?!

(Universe Man starts to involuntarily giggle.)

Particle Man: Unholy plastic, prosthetic, phalluses you have got to be kidding me. I mean, I have encountered some weird cases in my day, but this one takes the cake.

Universe Man: Where cake? There going to be cake served today?

Particle Man: If this young man is telling the truth the only thing that is going to be served today is a big bowl of justice Universe Man. So what all this about this video Production Assistant?

PA: My name is Phi–

Particle Man: No need to reveal your secret identity.

PA: Well, it’s very cryptic. Why don’t we just watch it?

(Particle Man takes the DVD from the young PA and they watch it. A figure obfuscated by the shadows speaks in a disguised voice.)

Shadowy figure: I had my minions attack an employee of your company Mr. Batee. There will be more attacks. They will be increasingly more severe based on the position and amount of power the victim holds in your company. I am going to take over your company from the bottom up and rule the wrestling world. I will use the program to subtly indoctrinate the masses so the whole country will worship me for the god that I am. If anyone one of the athletes in BACW thinks they can stop me then they can suffer the same fate as the lowly production assistant by going to the same spot that we pummeled him at midnight any day of the week. Until then, my loyal followers will just have to convert or dispose of any other non-believer that wanders by.

(The video goes to black.)

PA: So do you guys think you can help me?

Universe Man: Yea yea yeah! It’s on like a pot of neck bone.

Particle Man: Sho ya right Universe Man and dat’s the tru-fus, Rufus!

PA: What?

Particle Man: We will put this genital genocide of BACW to a stop citizen PA.

PA: Killer!…

…

(Later that night in spot that the PA directed our heroes too the masked avengers wait bathed in the light of street lamps eagerly awaiting battle. A camera man hides in a nearby alley to catch any potential action… suddenly the two BACW stars are surrounded by eight minions mentioned by the PA. As the PA had told them they are armed with dildos.)

Minions in unison: Bow down and worship our master or we shall leave you dead in the streets! Either way you will be coming back to his temple.

(Universe Man drops to one knee and begins to tremble.)

Minion: A wise decision Universe Man.

Particle Man: He’s not worshipping your master. He’s laughing at your demands you dolt!

(Universe Man drops to the ground and starts laughing hysterically. The minions take advantage of him being down and start pelting him with the plastic pricks. Universe Man stops laughing. The camera man cuts to a near by dumpster when you predicts what is going to happen. Two by two all eight men go flying through the air and into the dumpster. Another figure emerges from the shadows. It is a Chinese man with giant double donga. He twirls it around like he is quite proficient in using it during combat.)

Chinese Man: You have disgraced my ancient fertility religion and now you must die. Hiyaaaa!

(Particle Man and the man with the double donga spring into action. The Chinese Man swings at the gut of Particle Man and our hero hits asphalt. Universe Man goes to console his boss.)

Particle Man: It is okay Universe Man. Connie Dong is going down. All the way down to China town, baby.

(Particle Man kips up. He charges the minion and slides in between the Chinese man’s legs. He grabs both ends of the double donga and ties it around the phallus worshipper’s neck. Still holding onto the penile bow staff tied around the minion’s neck Particle Man delivers a devastating double knee back breaker. Particle Man somersaults backwards to his feet and Universe Man holds the minion down.)

Particle Man: Now are you going to tell us where your master is or am I going to have to let my friend here turn your face into Chop Suey?

…

…

(The BACW cameraman sneaks into the location given by the minion wearing one of the robes he stole from the men in the dumpster. He has a small handheld camera he uses to capture the action. The temple is lush and decorated in a vaguely Eastern style. There are three steps leading up to a throne. The throne is turned around on a swivel so the man sitting in it can not be seen. On both sides of the throne two monolithic stone phalluses are erected. Two dozen robed minions bow to the throne in a pit below the stairs… Then a large crash as the dynamic duo of BACW bursts through the door. A voice calls out from the throne in an unknown language.)

Particle Man: Now Universe Man! Now!

(The camera man quickly tosses off his robe. Universe Man pulls three pellets out of his trunks and throws them to the ground. The pellets explode and smoke fills the room. The sounds of combat can be heard through the fog after the two heroes rush in. Minutes later the smoke clears and Universe Man throws the final body on the pile that Particle Man stands atop of. Particle Man poses and calls out the man on the throne.)

Particle Man: Give up now or go down like all of your minions.

(The throne turns around. A man in what can only be described as a giant dick costume stands up.)

Villain: You had no problems with my followers, but I do not fall so easily. You were supposed to do battle with a team known as The Sex Symbols, but you won’t make it that far for tonight you face the only Sex Symbol that matters. You face the man god! You face… The Dickhead!

Universe Man: Oh, so that why his head look like Darth Vader helmet in shadows.

(The Dickhead waddles up to Universe Man and sissy slaps him on the arm. Universe Man pushes The Dickhead to the ground. The Dickhead rolls around on the ground like a turtle. Universe Man also falls to the ground because he is laughing so hard.)

The Dickhead: When I get out of this suit you’re next Particle Man.

Particle Man: A rather unconventional way of disposing of my sidekick, but it worked. Your mere absurdity took my friend out of commission.

(The Dickhead rolls out of the giant dick costume. He is still wearing a dick helmet, but on his body he a flesh colored spandex body suit. He runs to one of the statues behind his throne and tosses Particle Man a sword. The Dickhead then goes the statue on his right and gets out what appears to be a two foot long vibrator. The Dickhead presses a button on the vibrator and metal spikes pop out. He then turns a knob at the bottom of it and it the weapon begins to vibrate making a whirring sound not unlike a light saber.)

The Dickhead: On guard!

Particle Man: Touche’, douche!

(The villain runs straight towards our hero. Particle tosses his sword aside. The Dickhead swings his giant spiked sex toy at Particle Man, but the masked man just steps aside and executes a drop toe hold. The Dickhead falls atop his own vile creation and begins to shake violently as the spikes penetrate his chest. Particle Man comes to the rescue of The Dickhead before he is fatally wounded. Particle Man helps the villain to his feet. Universe Man gets up as well and pulls some handcuffs out of his trunks. With the villain cuffed the heroes head out the door. The cameraman walks with them.)

Particle Man: We’ll just leave this villain in a phone booth for the authorities to pick up. He was a formidable opponent, if not in combat but in his ability to attract followers to do his bidding. We have defeated this walking sex symbol fairly easily. I have a feeling disposing of JD Hart–

Universe Man: More like JD Fart…

Particle Man: Alright… you’ve had your fill of sophomoric humor today, chum. That’s quite enough.

Universe Man: Sorry.

Particle Man: Apology accepted… as I was saying JD and Sean Peters are certainly better at combat than this villain and his cult, but I think they should be able to dispose of just as easily. It might take a little more time, but the challenge level will be the same.

Universe Man: Of course it take more time. Me think beating up two giant dick would take twice the time as defeating one.

Particle Man: I like the logic you’re using. Well said Universe Man. Well said!

(Star wipe to black.)